During this brutal two-year period of watching Uggla suck with such unwavering devotion, I began wondering, "Is there a legitimate reason for Chuggla's piss-poor hitting skills?"
I'm have it on good authority that Frank Wren recently attended an eye-exam with Uggla, banking on the fact that only Helen Keller could possibly flail at that many sliders in the dirt. But it turns out the eyes were all good – 20/20, baby.
Uggla isn't mired in one of those little-league slumps that used to rock your shit when you went a whole two games without getting a hit. Nah, Chuggla's been slumping for two straight years (minus that ABNORMAL/NEVER 2 BE SEEN AGAIN, 33 game hit streak).
So the question remains – what the fu** is wrong with Dan Uggla?
#BravesFam, I come to you with answers. Answers we have all been desperately searching, digging, begging for. And I have found them. It took an incredible amount of time, money, research, and skipped calsses for me to crack the case of Uggla's permanent slump. But I did it, #BravesFam.
The answer...... Hold on....... Wait for it....... This is a bombshell................
Dan Uggla likes partying more than playing baseball (GASP!)
Look, I know this is a lot to take in right now. I'm still trying to process this myself. I mean, WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SEEN THIS COMING?! Oh..... That's right – nobody except the good-timin' son-of-a-bitch @FakeDanUggla himself.
But now I will present you with the facts, #BravesFam.
According to lovemybravos.com, Dan Uggla's intro song for the 2011 season was none other than the most internationally partied to song in the history of the world (assumption.... but a damn good one):
Of fuc**** course Uggla's favorite jam is Party..Rock.. Anthem.. C'mon Dan! How about you choose an average, generic country song and just call it a season? The least you could have done was start walking up to Akon's "Put the Blame on Me," because everyone sure as hell is blaming you for not living up to your 5-year, $62 million dollar contract. You know what? Maybe I'll just have to use that one for my co-rec intramural softball walk up – BECAUSE I PUT THE BLAME ON MYSELF FOR EVER BELIEVING IN YOU, CHUGGLA.
Right, so now begins the montage of Dan Uggla basking in his favorite place on earth, the baseba- wait, no, it's the club.
Here, we see Dan chucking the deuces up, looking extremely guido-ish, and overall happy as shit to be in a party rockin' atmosphere. As you can see, #BravesFam, Dan loves rockin' himself some parties.
Here we see Dan in Vegas – and is it just me, or does he look SMASHED? Either this is in the dead of winter, and Dan has a sever case of Swine Flu..... Or he is stupidly drunk, and disgustingly pale for an athlete still living in Miami. I'm still debating, but does look like he's having a good time? I'm 50/50 on this one. Regardless, Uggla's toddler's sized, Affliction Tee, combined with his too-gelled, spiky hair further proves that he is no amateur when it comes to rockin' a party.
Wait.......... OMFG! Is that Cody Ross? Tell me that isn't Cody Ross. But really, is that Cody Ross? Because if it is, I'm going to enlarge this photo to life-size, print out 5 copies, (Huh, Kinkos doesn't exist anymore?) tape them in various hot-spots around my house, and then throw darts at them both ALL SEASON LONG. I honestly couldn't tell you who I would aim for.
Actually, scratch that, I'll aim for Cody Ross's shiny dome every time ––– Never Forget
Okay, so back to another exhibit of Dan party rockin' his ass off:
Jesus. Seriously Dan, wear a different brand to party in other than Affliction! Everybody knows that the only people who really know how to Party Rock wear Affliction. You're a dead give away, Chuggla. I wish the @FauxFrankWren had seen this picture earlier, because there's no way he would have signed your perma-Mendoza Line self if he saw you in your natural habitat, looking like that big of a douche.
Aaaaaand according to "Zephyr" you're cheating on your wife. Wow – real smooth, you sweaty bastard.
And I wish it would stop there. I really do, #BravesFam. But I gotta inform/remind you of the driving force behind @FakeDanUggla becoming our 2nd basemen. It's true, it was none other than the same dirty, grimy, nasty, filthy, grungy, disgusting (can't think of anymore) porn star who likes to wear Rob Gronkowski's Uniform in her spare time. Yeah, good ole' Party Rockin' Dan just couldn't help himself, and went ahead and FIRED HIS AGENT SO HE COULD SLEEP WITH THIS TRAMP.
And I don't give a damn if I just followed her on Twitter (BiBiJones), she still looks like a cheap hooker, which – Oh my........ Which is probably what interested @FakeDanUggla in the first place.
There is just no telling how many more @BiBiJone's Dan's gotten with since he's been in Atlanta. #BravesFam, we could only begin to imagine how many times Chuggla has gone 0'for while we watched him at the TED, and then proceeded to fist-pump in Buckhead before we could even make it back to our FUC**** HOUSES, BECAUSE OF ATL'S FUC**** TRAFFIC.
#BravesFam, I apologize for that profanity-laced outburst. But just imagining Uggla partying after a loss – with his sweaty face, pail skin, gelled hair – chucking up deuces while he's got an armada of hooker's on speed dial he's just itching to call – helps me better understand why our 5 year/ 62 million dollar man is off to another blistering start at the plate this year.
My foray into the world of @FakeDanUggla has taken its toll. I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that Dan isn't the wholesome, family-body who watches game-tape after each loss as he drinks a glass of milk and talks with his mom via Skype. I know that's the image WE'VE always had of Dan Uggla, #BravesFam, and I'm sorry to be the one to shed light on something that NOBODY CAN POSSIBLY BELIEVE.
But really, guys, I've figure out the solution to get Dan above the Mendoza-Line. I believe I have solved the algorithm that will enable Chuggla to return to his glory days (How does .280 sound?). With this one quick fix, I believe Danny can make us forget all about those days we prayed for him to strike-out instead of hit into a bases-loaded double-play.
As long as @FakeDanUggla continues his pattern of wearing infant-sized AFFLICTION T-shirts he will never crack the Mendoza-Line again. This study has been peer-reviewed and will soon be published in a very scientific sports journal. Feel free to quote without citing your source, because IDC.
@FakeDanUggla has no idea his entire wardrobe, which consists only of AFFLICTION Tees, has rendered him abso-f'n-lutely impotent. Yes, you heard correctly – AFFLICTION Tees are proven to make your dick smaller with each use. For years this has long been the theorized by the most respected scientists on earth. However, earlier this month, the AFFLICTION Tee/ Small dick correlation was proved to be an "abso-f'n-lute fact".
@jeff_poor@c_maydc Throw the word "AFFLICTION" and some skulls on it with shorter, tighter sleeves and abso-f'n-lutely yes.
Dan Uggla It's time to end your reign of terror, @FakeDanUggla. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO ADD A COUPLE INCHES TO YOUR DICK AND START HITTING ABOVE .200. #BravesFam has granted you 2 long years of coasting by as an overpaid underachiever, but that stops now.
Stop wearing AFFLICTION – Start hitting the baseball.
#ENDUGGLASAFFLICTION
