How Chip Caray Sees Himself

What Chip Thinks: 

"Damn, I look good and really earned this new position.  Yep, nothing to do with my family lineage."

desipio.com

What We Know: 

"Damn, Chip looks like a ass-clown rocking that mullet and glasses.  Yep, he would be bagging groceries somewhere if it wasn't for his family lineage."  

What Chip Thinks: 

"I just called a hell of a game.  And my wife was wrong, this bow tie looks great."

@ChipScaray

What We Know: 

"Jesus Chip just butchered that game.  And his wife better have picked that bow tie out for him.  Regardless – what a tool."

What Chip Thinks: 

"You hear that, Joe?  Atlanta has spoken – I'M THE VOICE OF THE BRAVES."

en.wikipedia.org

What We Know:

"I bet Chip just said something baseball ignorant. Joe probably winked over at him, and whispered, "I'm the voice of the Braves, bitch."   

What Chip Thinks: 

"This is what front men do – smash guitars onstage in front of their adoring fans."

desipio.com

What We Know:

"Put that guitar down, Chip.  You belong backstage, groupie."  

What Chip Thinks: 

"Can't get a few words in edgewise because of how famous I am."  

www.nydailynews.com

What We Know: 

"Someone famous just stepped off the podium.  Chip's about to look like a jackass trying to follow Bobby Cox on the mic.  

What Chip Thinks: 

"That's right, curing cancer on my off day." 

zopeo.com

What We Know: 

"Poor kid.  He's already got cancer and then Chip and Yunel's malignant asses bust his door down." 

What Chip Thinks: 

"Who is this fat-ass?  I wouldn't let this scrub carry my jock." 

blog.mlive.com

What We Know: 

"Chip is so outclassed right here.  Tony Gwynn's got 3,000 hits under his (impressive) belly.  While Chip's got 3,000 hours worth of mangling baseball broadcasts under his.   

Jason Heyward's Appendix

I remember that beautiful day in August when Jason Heyward strolled to the plate for his first ever major league at bat, and did this:

Courtesy of IPCfoU Youtube Account

Yep, and at that moment I knew Jason was not a mortal.  Jason Heyward was a God sent to play baseball for the Atlanta Braves and he only does things a baseball God would do.  Such as throw lightning bolts, or eat an entire herd of cattle in one sitting, you know?  Because that's the shit that baseball God's do.

So you can imagine my dismay when I come to find that the image of Jason Heyward I had built up in my mind, doesn't exist.  He is a human?  WTF.

                                                        He certainly doesn't look very human
                                                                             Photo courtesy of danny-wild.com

Yes, Jason Heyward is a human with an appendix and all.  I've been such a fool.

Well, as it is, Jason Heyward is definitely still human, but he actually no longer has an appendix.

I must admit, I'm a little worried about my entire worldview at the moment.  I mean, how could someone watch Jason Heyward smash a home run in his FIRST ever plate appearance, off of the biggest hispanic douchebag in the league (yeah - that's you Carlos Zambrano), and actually think this divine creature has an appendix!?  Or that he would ever have to have it surgically removed from his body, and then miss two weeks (TWO WEEKS?!?!) of game action.

Yeah, so, this is all a lot to take in so I apologize if I don't blog about anything for awhile.... I'm thinking about visiting Jason's birthplace in McDonough to see if I can find anything out about the man (?), the myth, and the legend that is Jason Heyward.

Braves BROmance - Freddie and CJ

Look, I'm all for the Braves players to be friends outside of work. Seriously, some of my best I played ball with so I understand.  But lately..... Freddie Freeman and Chis Johnson have taken this BROmance to a level I'm not sure anyone is really comfortable with:

Right, so this is one of the first public displays of affection we as #BravesFam were privy to.  It seems innocent enough.  BJ was lamenting how shitty of a season he'd been having so far, and Freddie stepped in to let him know he was thinking about him with a casual, "I Love You!"  

Ahh, this appeared to be all in good fun, no big deal, right?   But then CJ steps in and asserts that what he and Freddie have together needs to be acknowledged.  

But that's far from the worst display of BROmancing....... 

What?  This sounds eerily like an established, long distant relationship.  Actually, I think I have a few text conversations between my girlfriend and I that say the EXACT same thing.  Except for it's not on a public domain, and we aren't two major league baseball players, and we are in love.....

 Oh shit.  This thing escalated quickly.  I'm not even sure I love my girlfriend as much as Freddie loves CJ.  And I'm 99% sure that my girlfriend doesn't love me as much as CJ loves Freddie.  Damnit.

Jesus I hope Freddie's referring to something baseball related.  And by baseball related, I don't mean how CJ's ass looks in his baseball pants.

And this Tweet is just the icing on the BROcake.  I've used this excuse with my significant other so many times, "Sorry baby, left my phone upstairs."  But this is two major league baseball players.  If this PDA between Freddie and CJ escalates any further................................

I'll blog about it.

Jordan Schafer & The Cheesecake Factory

Seeing Jordan Schafer back in a Braves uni has brought tears of pain, and tears laughter.  The tears of pain come from knowing that Jordan Schafer is bringing his talents (?) back to Atlanta.  Right, we all know that Jordan Shafter will be relegated to the CRUCIAL role of pinch runner.  That's all fine and well.  But the tears of joy come from the beautiful memes, I see courtesy of #BravesFam.   And my, oh my there have been some good ones:

This gem courtesy of @BravesMemeGuy nails it.  First, Jordan Schafer can't hit so the idea of two absolute freak hitters searching him because he got a couple of "hits" is funny.  But really what's funny about Schafer tweets and memes is the arsenal of weeeeed jokes at #BravesFam disposal.  I mean, my God look at this guy:

                                                                 withleather.uproxx.com

Can't you seem him cruisin' around town in a Range Rover, smoking doobies, with a sack a sack of weed containing 25 grams of marijuana?  OH WAIT - THIS ALREADY HAPPENED .

And with good reason, Jordan Schafer gets a ton of shit for this on the internet.  Because when much talent is wasted, much shit is given.  But back when I first read this report, I skipped over a few CRUCIAL details.  And I mean - CRUCIAL.

Why was Schafer lighting up AFTER eating at the Cheesecake Factory?  This makes no sense and I want answers.  Everybody who is anybody knows the Cheesecake Factory is the most calorie filled, artery stuffing, Don't Eat This - Or That restaurant on the planet.  It's practically a requirement you light up a joint PRIOR to eating that food.  So what was Jordan doing smoking a joint after eating at this restaurant?

Frankly, this opens up a whole new jar of buds as far as I'm concerned.  Was Jordan Schafer, the burn-out pot-head we love making fun of, framed?  Dear God, is the goofy looking stoner in the picture above, not a goofy stoner?  OMGOMGOMGOMG.

After intense self-reflection, I've come to a conclusion on the issue.  No need to worry #BravesFam, from studying copious amounts of pictures, writings, and other archival evidence, I've deduced that Jordan Schafer is indeed, a pot-head.  Wheeeeeew, keep the memes comin'!

As it turns out, Jordan's high was coming down after eating the delicious, yet body crushing, meal at the Cheesecake Factory.  Hell, he's Jordan Schafer!  Of course he got stoned before and after.  Looking forward to seeing that approach all season at the Ted.

IT"S HERE!!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG 

IT'S HERE – REJOICE BRAVES FANS! 

IT'S OPENING DAY! 

OMG OMG OMG 

WILL BLOG LATER WITH LESS CAPS.  

TOO EXCITED TO FUNCTION PROPERLY.  

GO BRAVES 

Always Brave..?

First things first – watch this video and tell me you don't get chills:  

                                                    Video Courtesy of BlueSkyAgency

Yeah, I know.  I'M PUMPED FOR OPENING DAY TOO.  Right, so everything about this video is great..... Right up until the end.

First of all, this narrator has ridiculously enchanting oratory skills.  Combine that with the visuals of the "Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, UPTON here UPTON here" bros looking splendid in their new uniforms, Braves fans Tomahawk Chopping their little hearts out, pitching studs Medlen and Kimbrell looking unhittable, and did I mention the narrator's absurdly listenable voice?!

This was so close to a perfection.... Until they blew it all up at the end with the new 2013 slogan "Always Brave".  What the hell is that?

As a Braves fan, I'm having difficulty understanding why the 'S' has been slashed from the moniker and tossed into a cheesy new slogan.  This is a team made up of a collection of high-caliber individuals, when melded together, form a formidable cohesive unit.

So who exactly is the lone "Brave" who is "Always Braves"?  Is it Jason Heyward?  Freddie Freeman?  Wait, don't tell me it's Jordan Schafer, because we ALL know the only thing he does "Always" is smoke weed.

Because I do not approve of the new slogan – I'm going to offer a few of my own suggestions.  After I make this comprehensive list, do not be surprised if I am summoned to the Braves corporate office and am offered a full-time brainstorming position with paid vacation and a shit-load of benefits.  They are that good:

Misbehave for the Braves:

Courtesy of JPB209's Youtube Account

UP, UP, & J-HEEEEEEEEEY: 

                                                    Courtesy of bigstory.ap.org

Rave for the Braves: 

                                      Courtesy of www.vice.com


Wow, these are some baller new slogan names, huh?  I'm expecting a call from Frank Wren any second now, begging me for a job opportunity in the Braves Think-Tank.  Think you have some better ideas for slogan names than mine?  I doubt it, but go ahead and leave a comment if something brilliant comes to you.  I might look at it, but then again I probably won't.

The Rise and Fall of the "Screaming Indian" Logo

Okay, so there's good news and bad news about the Braves "Screaming Indian" Logo.  Aaaand everyone wants the good news first so here it is:

Wow, that logo on the right is so sweeeeeeet.  I mean, look at that thing.  Who wouldn't want to be rocking that on the baseball field, in the grocery store, or while visiting your local Indian reservation?  The good news is that the Braves front office knows a damn good logo when they see one.

Right, so onto the much expected bad news.  The bad news is that these hats are no longer going to be worn by any members of the Atlanta Braves.  Yeah, yeah, yeah – I know, it's a bummer because these things are cool as hell.

Basically, this thing became a big deal.  A bigger deal than probably you or I could possibly see coming.  All the local news stations started reporting about how "racist" our new hats were.  Apparently, the "Braves" who our logo pays homage too were none too thrilled by the Braves choice in logo.  I don't see how, because these hats scream "We love Indians!"  Right?  At least that's how it looks to me.....

While it is no doubt a travesty that our hometown team won't be sporting these beauties while soaking up rays during Spring Training, there is some good news.  What?!  More good news you ask?  Oh yes. The good news is that these hats, despite their racial symbolism, and penchant for riling up national news stations are available for purchase:

That's right, baby!  We still can wear these things on baseball fields, in the grocery store, and while we visit our local Indian reservations. It will cost you a cool $29.99, without tax and shipping and handling, but this logo is worth every penny.